just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize