words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
