allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
