also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
