So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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