everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
