Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
In other news, I just burned my penis
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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