People in love make me want to vomit
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
