Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
