she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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