Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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