I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
