All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
