You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
