I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
