hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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