he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
