I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
