Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Randomize
