He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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