Your dad touched me again.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
