I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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