Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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