at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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