i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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