Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize