I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Did I show you my penis last night?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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