Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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