You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
