I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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