the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize