I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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