It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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