it's too hot outside to masturbate.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
