It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
