I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
