so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
