Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I have post one night stand depression
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
