Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize