he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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