its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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