I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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