he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
