There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
