Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
