Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
