He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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