Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
