I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
