the condom got lost in my hair
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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