At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
