youre lurking in front of me
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
