you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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