2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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