Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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