Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
