Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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