In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
