Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
