god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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