Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
