the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
