also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
even my farts smell like vagina
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
