my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
