I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
