I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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